Rebekah Gienapp

Yelling. It happens when our kids won’t listen. It happens when our children’s behavior is out of control. Most parents believe yelling is not the best approach, yet we find ourselves doing it over and over again. Is it really possible to parent without yelling?

I know it’s possible because I know other mamas who have mastered staying calm while they set limits, no matter what their child is doing. One of them even has four young children (and I just have one little guy!) I tried not to yell, and probably avoided yelling more than some parents. But I still found myself doing it, and it made my child’s behavior worse, not better.

Disclosure: This post contains affiliate links to my Amazon Associates account for items that I use and love. If you purchase items through these links, I earn a small commission at no additional cost to you. You can read my full disclosure policy here. 

So, I dug out my copy of my favorite positive parenting book, Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids by Dr. Laura Markham. I gave myself three days to kick the yelling habit.

It worked. Even when our 4 year old melted down in the Halloween aisle of the grocery store. Even when I discovered he’d had a major bathroom accident because he didn’t want to stop playing. Even when he was cranky and whiny and I couldn’t figure out the reason.

Stop Yelling Challenge Day One: Make the commitment

• Make a commitment (not a wish) to yourself that you will stop yelling. Sometimes the simplest steps are the most important ones. Telling yourself you’ll try not to yell, or that you wish you could stop, is not as likely to change your behavior. I told myself I was not going to yell anymore. I also told my Facebook friends, so that I had some additional accountability. I felt something shift inside myself as I made this commitment.

• Tell your child that you will be speaking respectfully to her. As Dr. Markham points out, your children are really the only ones who will be there to hold you accountable. Tell them in language they can understand that you are going to speak respectfully to them, and not yell. When I told our son, he gave me a nonchalant “ok.” In hindsight, I wish I’d asked him to tell me how it makes him feel when I yell, so that we could have had more of a conversation.

• Find a mantra that will shift your mindset. Find a simple, positive statement that you can tell yourself over and over, in difficult moments and easy ones alike. This will help shift your thinking, and therefore your behavior, toward your child. I chose something simple and direct: “I speak to my child calmly and respectfully.” 

Stop Yelling Challenge Day Two: Connect with your child and discover your triggers

• Make a list of what triggers your yelling most often. If there’s anything I learned from this challenge, is that my tendency to yell has more to do with the mental state I’m in than my child’s actual behavior. I tend to yell when I’m trying to do too many things at the same time. Being physically uncomfortable, especially being over-tired and very hungry, also triggers yelling for me. I found myself simplifying my schedule and taking more time to take care of myself during this challenge.

• Make extra time to play with, listen to, and emotionally connect with your child. The week before this challenge had been very stressful for me, and I was feeling disconnected from our son. I knew if I could really pay closer attention to him, he would feel heard and behave better. By tuning into him more, I also became more concerned about his feelings and his desires. So I put my phone away a lot. I really tried to respond to his many questions and stories, even when they weren’t at the most convenient times.

Stop Yelling Challenge Day Three: Make a plan for difficult behavior

• Make a list of what triggers your child’s difficult behaviors that have caused you to yell in the past. What are some ways you could reduce those triggers? When our 4 year old doesn’t feel paid attention to, he starts doing things that he knows are against the rules. When he’s hungry (which he doesn’t realize many times) he tends to lose control of himself. By paying as much attention to him as I could the majority of the time, he became more willing to wait when I told him I needed to finish a task first before I could help him with something.

• When you face difficult behavior, calm yourself first. Staying calm will help your child transition to a calmer place. Breathe deeply and remind yourself that your child’s behavior, however frustrating, is not an emergency. Say your mantra to yourself. If you’re speaking to your child out loud and your voice is starting to rise, close your mouth, even if it’s in mid-sentence. Shake your body to release some of the tension you’re feeling. A friend shared that she looks up at the ceiling to collect herself, and I find it’s really effective for me too.

• Express empathy to your child. When our four year old was sobbing in the grocery store Halloween aisle, I told him over and over that I knew he really wanted the giant skeleton. I told him it looked like a lot of fun. Trying to distract him would not have worked because huge waves of feelings were crashing down on him. He needed me to understand just how bad he wanted the skeleton in that moment. 

• Gently but firmly restate your limit. Peaceful parenting in general, and not yelling in particular, isn’t about letting your child do whatever she wants. At the grocery store, I told our son that we didn’t have it in our budget to get Halloween decorations today. I said this many times, interspersed with empathetic statements about how much he liked them. I told him thank you for saying please. I reminded him we wouldn’t be getting decorations today. The most important part of all this was my tone of voice, which was quiet and kind.

• If appropriate, offer an alternative. Depending on your child’s age, it may be best to ask your child what other solutions there could be to the problem at hand. Because our son was so upset, I wasn’t sure he’d be able to think of one. So I offered that we go home and make some Halloween decorations after we put the groceries away. He agreed to it (though he did keep crying on and off the rest of the grocery trip.) When we got home, doing one simple craft that took 10 minutes was enough to make him happy, and he hasn’t asked about decorations since.

My reflections on our Stop Yelling Three Day Challenge

When I stopped to think about why yelling had been happening in the past, it was usually because I was either not taking care of myself or I was not being fully present to our child. I would tell myself that I didn’t have time for self-care.

When I did find those little spaces for self-care, I became a more present and loving parent. Our son felt that. He saw that I was playing with him more, listening to him carefully, and responding to his ideas whenever I could. That made him more willing to let me do little things I needed to in order to care for myself. He knew my attention would return to him soon. 

The challenge also reminded me of how overwhelming emotions can be to a young child. On day three of the challenge, I picked him up from preschool and he was so whiny and cranky. After trying to talk through things, I pulled him onto my lap and cradled him like a baby. I talked to him about his day. He said nothing bad had happened, but after a few minutes of cuddling and talking, he seemed to have a re-set.

Often when our children’s behavior repels us the most, they’re making a cry for help. By promising to ourselves and our child that we won’t yell, we’re able to bring calm to a tense situation. When we’re not flooded with anger and tension, we’re better able to see what our children need to turn their behavior around.

Are you ready to take the Stop Yelling Three Day Challenge? Download your one page action guide here! Be sure to come back and tell us how it’s going in the comments.