I have been a stubborn person all my life. As a teenager I remember getting into an argument with my father. It ended with him saying “you always have to have the last word!” to which I yelled “I do not!”
It’s not surprising then that our four year old has a healthy sense of confidence in the way he wants to do things. Some of that he probably inherited from me, and some of it just comes with the four year old territory.
My “bring it on” attitude towards winning an argument has escalated quite a few disagreements with our son into major power struggles. Power struggles where no one was going to win.
Disclosure: For your convenience this post contains affiliate links. If you purchase items through these links, I may earn a small commission at no additional cost to you. You can read my full disclosure policy here.
For the past couple of months, a group of my mom friends has been reading The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind by Daniel J. Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson. There are so many useful strategies in the book for helping kids learn how to understand and regulate their emotions, so your kids (and you) can be calmer and happier.
Your child’s “upstairs brain” and “downstairs brain”
The authors break down neuroscience research about children’s brain development and how it influences their behavior. One of the distinctions they make is between our “downstairs brain” and our “upstairs brain.”
The downstairs brain is responsible for basic functions like breathing, impulses and reactions, and strong emotions (such as anger or fear.) The upstairs brain is where more evolved processes like thinking, imagining, and planning happen.
The Whole-Brain Child suggests that there are practical ways we can teach kids to integrate those two parts of the brain. That way our kids can learn to make decisions based on both their thoughts and feelings.
So what does all this have to do with power struggles? The authors believe that the interactions we have with our children can either engage their upstairs brain (the more evolved part), or they can trigger the downstairs part of the brain (where strong emotions will come on like a flood.)
One of their strategies for helping kids integrate their upstairs and downstairs brain is to “engage, don’t enrage” so that you can appeal to your child’s upstairs brain. Demands and ultimatums can trigger the strong emotions in the downstairs brain, blocking out your child’s ability to think through a situation. Tantrums may ensue. Engaging a child’s upstairs brain can avoid this problem.
Power struggles during our morning off to school routine
On school days, my efforts to get our 4 year old ready in the morning have quickly exploded into power struggles and meltdowns many times.
It seemed like the only way I could get him to put on his clothes, or open his mouth so I could brush his teeth, or put on his shoes was to count to 5. If I reached 5, he would lose his dessert that night.
I didn’t like relying on this technique for several reasons. I felt like it turned sugar/dessert into an ultimate reward or pleasure, and I don’t want to reinforce that association with unhealthy food.
It also clearly distressed him at a deep level when I started to count. Doing that more than once in a morning made our interactions very strained, making him more likely to refuse other things I asked.
I wanted to send him off in a loving way to school and instead we were arguing over and over again. Finally, the more I used counting to 5 under threat of lost dessert, the more I had to use counting to get his attention.
After reading about the “engage, don’t enrage” strategy I knew that my frequently relying on taking away dessert was triggering our child’s downstairs brain.
Based on a suggestion from a cartoon in the book (there are lots of cartoons if you’re short on reading time!), I decided to take a more playful approach.
When it was time to get dressed, I said “let’s do two jumping jacks and then put on your shirt.” Of course it turned into 5 jumping jacks, but then he eagerly put on the shirt so that he could do more jumping jacks and put on his shorts.
Even with all the activity, it was still faster than my old pleading turned into threatening/counting method. In the end we were both happy and affectionate with each other, making everything go more smoothly with our morning.
The next day he rejected the jumping jacks, but he had his own idea of something he could do that worked just as well (I’ve forgotten now what that was).
On days when he can’t think of something, I’ve said in a playful voice, “I wonder if you could get your pants on before I count to 50?”
At first glance, this might seem just like my old strategy, but it’s different for several reasons. For one, I’ve picked a very high number that I know he can beat (he usually gets them on by 8 or 10). I use a playful, sing-song voice when I count rather than a stern one. There’s also no threat at the end; it’s just a fun contest. He loves doing this.
Helping children find their own solutions to problems
This success has had me thinking about other ways that I can appeal to his upstairs brain. How can I turn a potentially tense moment into a playful one? How can I help my child learn to come up with solutions that could solve a problem we’re having?
Payne Bryson tells a story about how her own four year old left the table when they were eating out a restaurant. He stood angrily looking at her and her husband from several feet away. She knew that commanding him to sit down, or threatening to take away his dessert if he didn’t eat, would cause his downstairs brain to kick in because he would feel like he was under attack.
Instead, she observed that he seemed angry and asked if that was right. Her son explained that he was mad because did not want to eat half his quesadilla like Dad had said he had to if he wanted dessert.
She suggested to her son that he try to negotiate with Dad about what would be a fair amount to eat. She knew this would mean him having to use his higher order thinking skills in his upstairs brain, so that the focus could be taken off the strong emotions he was feeling.
He then marched over and said he didn’t want to eat half his quesadilla. Dad asked what he thought a fair amount would be. He said ten bites (which was actually more than half the quesadilla), and an agreement was struck.
After he had calmed down, Mom and Dad talked to him about using good manners even when you’re unhappy. They waited to have that conversation because in the heat of the moment, when his downstairs brain had taken over, he wouldn’t have been able to fully process that conversation about respect and manners.
About a week after I read that story, our son was doing his typical “I don’t want to finish dinner” routine. We had told him he needed to eat half his eggs (which he actually likes.)
In the past I probably would have become more insistent about the limit I had already set, resulting in lots of arguing and nagging but no more actual eating of eggs. He suddenly said, “I only want to eat ten bites.” (What is it with 4 year olds and the number 10?) His ten bites ended up being most of the eggs. Problem solved!
This strategy is not about being permissive
Sometimes there are limits that have to be set and can’t or shouldn’t be changed. This strategy isn’t about letting your child do whatever she wants.
However, I also knew that I have been triggering power struggles that were not necessary. They didn’t help me get what I wanted. They didn’t help our child learn how to take more responsibility for himself. They harmed our bond as parent and child because they were happening so frequently.
Sometimes I still count to 5 with the threat of losing dessert. Sometimes I do it because I am stressed out or incredibly tired and I can’t seem to access the creativity in my own upstairs brain that could find another solution.
Sometimes I do it because for safety’s sake when I need him to stop what he is doing right now. I do feel like overall, using the “engage, don’t enrage” strategy (plus lots of other strategies in the book that I haven’t even touched on), is making me a better parent.
What do you think of this strategy? Tell us in the comments!
2 responses to “How I Avoid Starting a Power Struggle with My Child”
I think it sounds good, but my biggest obstacle is my family who are accustomed to, “Do as I say. NOW!” and, “Your choices are, ‘Do it NOW!’ OR ‘You get SPANKED and STILL have to do it anyway.’”. My daughter doesn’t respond to time-outs nor does she react well to spankings. She usually does do the best choice though, it’s just SOMETIMES when we are in a hurry to get it done, like when my Mom has a nurse coming over to evaluate her (She just had major heart surgery a month ago.) and my 4 year old doesn’t want to put her clothes on. So I tell her, “Strangers should never see you naked or under-dressed. You must put your clothes on. She will be here soon.” “Your choices are, ‘Put your clothes on yourself (I’m not asking her to do something she can’t.). OR ‘I’ll dress you myself.’. Today she just didn’t want to get dressed.
Anna, no matter what form of discipline you’ve used in the past, I urge you not to ever spank your child again or allow others to spank her. Gentle discipline is a very different model that most of us were not raised on, but in the long run it works far better than punishment and spanking. Dr. Laura Markham’s work was very helpful for me in understanding both the why’s and how’s of peaceful parenting.