Adults often shame children for talking about or asking seemingly rude questions about race. Often, we parents and educators don’t even realize we are shaming kids for their words or actions. Our embarrassment or fear simply kicks in, triggering an automatic response.
Read on to identify what shaming kids for race talk looks like, why it’s counterproductive, and what to do instead.
What does shaming kids for race talk look and sound like?
First, let’s make a distinction between guilt and shame. Guilt is a feeling that we have done something wrong. Shame is a feeling that who we are is wrong or bad. That’s why shame is so painful and hard to grapple with, whether we’re kids or adults.
Second, if you recognize things you’ve done or said on the list below, please hear that I am not judging you. I have done most of these things myself in the past. What matters is how we respond going forward.
Related Post: When talking about racism makes kids of color feel ashamed
What might shaming a child around issues of race and racism look, sound, or feel like? It might involve:
- Shushing children when they make comments in public, in the classroom, or at home. A white 3-year-old who loudly asks “why does her skin look like that?” when she sees a Black customer in the grocery store will likely receive a shush from her parent. The parent might also say something like “it’s rude to talk about people’s skin color.”
- Disapproving body language. Children, especially young children, are keen observers not only of our words but our bodies. They notice when we stiffen at their words or give them a disapproving stare.
- Comments that show our shock and disappointment. Particularly when a child says something racially biased, we’re often in disbelief that they could have picked up this kind of thinking. So we respond with a loud “WHAT did you say?” (my former go to) or “that is a terrible, awful thing to say!”
- Dire warnings. Again, when a child says something biased, they will often hear from the adults in their life, “I don’t ever want to hear you say anything like that again!” Many times, this warning isn’t accompanied by any real discussion about what was wrong with what the child said, leaving them confused and ashamed.
What happens when we shame children for talking about race
Shame is something that children not only experience in their minds and hearts, but also feel in their bodies. Once shame sets in, they’re flooded with feelings and bodily sensations which feel big and scary.
When folks of any age feel attacked, we immediately go into defense mode. Because we feel threatened, our “lizard brains” take over, determined to protect us through fighting, fleeing, or freezing our “attacker.”
Adults who’ve done a lot of work on themselves can sometimes recognize when they’re getting defensive and take a step back. But children don’t have the awareness or the coping skills yet to do that. So they will put all their energy into telling the adult why what they did wasn’t wrong. Or they may go completely silent or run from the room.
We’ve missed a chance to have a deeper discussion about race because we can only have those talks if kids feel safe. Shaming makes them feel unsafe.
Related Post: Antiracism at every age: how the Montessori planes of development can help
Because the child is now in a spiral of feeling bad, it’s harder to reach them. If they’re experiencing shame over what they did or said, they’re not just thinking “I made a mistake.” They’re likely also feeling like “I am a mistake” or “I’m bad.”
What happens when children feel bad? They often hide. A shaming response from an adult after the child has said something biased could leave the child thinking that all talk about race, or even noticing race, is bad.
This means that even though children will continue noticing that race matters in the world, they may be afraid to talk about it with an adult who has shamed them.
So they may take their questions and comments about race to their friends and classmates, who probably aren’t equipped with accurate information that contradicts stereotypes.
What to do instead of shaming a child for talking about race
I offer six strategies for parents and educators to use in the face of racial bias in my free guide No More Silence, No More Shame. Get your copy by filling out the quick form above.
Taking shame out of our toolbox does not mean letting children exclude or tease others based on racist ideas. It’s important to set firm boundaries that someone’s race (and other forms of their identity, like gender, disability, or sexual orientation) are never reasons to make fun of them or leave them out.
As we set those boundaries, it’s important to remain calm and curious. Ask children questions (being thoughtful about our tone of voice as we do so.) Wonder aloud with them about what might be prompting their ideas or behaviors.
Also, I’ve found it incredibly helpful to look inward when I feel like shaming my child for something racially biased he’s said. I’ve realized I react strongly because his biased behaviors feel like a reflection on me, on my failure to be an adequately antiracist parent.
Want to go further? My Nurturing Antiracist White Kids course shows you how to correct bias without using shame.
If you want to dive deep into doing antiracism work without using shame, my Nurturing Antiracist White Kids online course can help. We explore:
- examining our own racial identities as adults
- talking to kids about race in developmentally appropriate ways (toddlers through teens)
- correcting racism without shame
- understanding how whiteness shapes our homes and classrooms
- guiding children towards healthy racial identity development
- equipping kids for resistance and action
- creating your own antiracist support network
- special considerations for antiracism work in the classroom
Learn more about the course here.