I believe it’s crucial for parents and educators to talk to children about race and racism. But that doesn’t mean that all talk about racism is helpful talk. Lately, thanks to Black parents I’m learning from in the My Reflection Matters Village, I’ve been thinking about how some ways of talking about racism can make feel kids of color feel ashamed of their skin color or heritage.
A few months ago, my family joined the MRM Village. It’s a Black and Brown led co-learning community that supports raising and educating free people. (White co-conspirators are welcome as well.) I’ve learned so much on a huge variety of topics, including antiracism. One of my favorite aspects is the monthly book talks by authors.
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When Giselle Fuerte talked to us about her children’s book The Lying Liar Called Racism: A Love Letter, I had a major aha! moment. Gigi shared that the main reason she hadn’t discussed racism with her Black children in their early years is that she never wanted them to feel ashamed of their skin.
Related Post: 9 examples of systemic racism kids can understand
That’s something that Gigi had experienced as a child when her family immigrated from Panama to the United States. Teachers and adults talked about racism happening “because of the color of your skin.”
But as Francie Latour of Wee the People often says, “being Black is not the problem. Racism is the problem.”
When adults, especially white adults, talk about racism in these indirect ways, we’re shifting blame from the racist actions of white people to people of color who are the victims of racism. Children of color who experience this over and over may start to feel ashamed, and wonder if there is something wrong with them.
Be direct: using language about racism that helps kids of color feel powerful, not ashamed
As Gigi and MRM Village host Chemay Morales-James continued the book talk, they pointed to children’s books that they enjoy but that include this problematic, indirect language about racism.
Gigi talked about Counting on Katherine by Helaine Becker, which tells the life story of NASA mathematician Katherine Johnson. The book is inspiring, yet one line also says that Katherine was treated badly because of the color of her skin.
I asked Gigi how she thought the line could be re-written. She emphasized that children deserve the direct truth. White people who were racist denied opportunities to Katherine.
A few days after the book talk, I read Exquisite: The Poetry and Life of Gwendolyn Brooks by Suzanne Slade. It includes these lines: “In high school Gwendolyn felt rejected, too. She was too quiet and shy for some crowds, her skin too dark for others.”
Before our book talk, I wouldn’t have noticed these lines at all. But now, I wondered how Black children, especially those with darker skin, would hear these lines. Would they feel ashamed or think there’s something wrong with the way they look?
Related Post: 12 engaging chapter books about Black history
I know that I’ve used this indirect language to talk about racism. I often have to stop mid-sentence and correct myself, to make sure I’m not deflecting blame away from the perpetrator of racism.
To get a bit grammar-nerdy for a moment, I’ve realized again how important it is to use active, not passive voice. When we use active voice we have to say who is causing harm.
When we say “Breonna Taylor was killed in her home,” we’re using passive voice. But if we say “Police officer Brett Hankison killed Breonna Taylor while she was in her home,” we’re making it clear who is responsible.
Is this splitting hairs? Why our language matters
One of the things I’ve learned from Black parents and educators is that instilling pride in children of color is just as important as preparing them for the realities of racism. They know that the racist world they’re sending their children out into will do all in its power to make them feel small, less than, and ashamed of their heritage.
Being direct about who is perpetrating racism lets children of color know that it’s racist people and systems who need to change – not them.
Related Post: 5 examples of race conscious conversations between parents and children
That’s one of the things that makes Fuerte’s book The Lying Liar Called Racism so important. Before introducing racism the liar, she reminds children of color that they are like majestic mountains. She tells them about their ancestors’ creativity and persistence. Only then do they meet the lying liar – and they’re told repeatedly that what he says about race isn’t true.
As a white parent of white children, I also think direct language matters for my own family. Just as our racist world tells children of color lies to try to make them ashamed, it tells white children lies to give them a sense of superiority.
Related Post: 5 myths about race and kids white parents must let go of
White parents have to intentionally dismantle that sense of superiority. One strategy I use is talking specifically about how white people have committed racism. I also make sure to tell my 8 year old that someone’s racist words or actions are wrong, and why they’re a lie.
Just last week, he said to me “it’s stupid for people to be racist Mom, because a Black person can’t change their skin.”
I affirmed that racism doesn’t make sense, and quickly added “and Black people don’t need to change their skin. Their skin is beautiful just the way it is. White people need to stop being racist. That’s what needs to change.”
Changing our language isn’t about being perfect. I’m still learning and making mistakes. It is about being willing to question what I’ve taken for granted in the past, and learn to do better.
Related Post: 5 ways to celebrate darkness with children (and why this matters for antiracist families)
Additional Resources:
Nurturing resilience and joy in young BIPOC children (2 part webinar from EmbraceRace)
This Book Is Anti-Racist Journal by Tiffany Jewell (journal for ages 10+). Purchase from Bookshop
Facebook post by an English teacher about grammar, news coverage, and racism
Sulwe by Lupita Nyong’o and Vashti Harrison (picture book for ages 5 – 9 that addresses colorism) Purchase from Bookshop
One response to “When discussing racism makes kids of color feel ashamed”
Great information here! Appreciate your concrete advice and examples! And like you referred to, white people have to speak out about this if anything will change.