My blog archives are full of posts that offer tips on talking to kids about race. But I’ve realized that, especially in times of crisis, what helps me most is listening in on how other parents are talking to their children. Today’s blog post offers 5 examples of actual race conscious conversations between parents and children.
Learning by eavesdropping: 5 race conscious conversations between parents and kids
These conversations aren’t meant to be perfect examples, because they’re real conversations. What I hope is that folks can see the ways it’s possible to have regular conversations with kids about race and racism, where these aren’t taboo subjects.
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1. I talk with my white 7 year old about racist stereotypes of Black people as criminals
This conversation happened a few months ago on the way to school, when our son was still a 7 year old.
When we were leaving for school, a neighbor we don’t know was walking his dog. My kid was scrunched down on the stairs, and I assumed it was because he was afraid of the dog. I told him to come get in the car because the dog was on a leash.
As he got in the car, he said “wait, I recognize that man. I saw him in this picture of a criminal I have.”
“No,” I said firmly. “That’s our neighbor; he’s not a criminal.”
“But Mom, I saw him in a picture. He had that same face and haircut.”
“No, that’s a stereotype about black men. There are hundreds of thousands of Black people in our city, and the haircut that man has is very common.”
As we drove off, I noticed my child was silent. When we got to a stoplight I looked back and he had a disgruntled look on his face.
“Is something wrong? Are you upset because I disagreed with you?”
“I wasn’t try to judge him because he was Black, Mom.”
Related Post: Talking about racial injustice with my 6 year old
“I know you weren’t trying to judge anyone on purpose, honey. But that’s how bias works. It’s so strong around us and inside us that we don’t even realize we’re doing it sometimes. And you’ve mixed up Black people before, like kids at your school. Do you know what research is, when scientists study what we do?”
“Yeah.”
“Well, they’ve done research where they showed white people pictures of Black people and we’re more likely to not be able to tell Black people apart. I’ve done it too. You know Ms. C who usually sits at the bottom of the stairs at school? I’ve called her Ms. J two times this year. And they’re both tall, thin Black women but otherwise they don’t look alike.”
My kid looks at me with a surprised “you really messed up” expression on his face.
“So, when you think you know who someone is, you need to make sure before you say something. Like, I don’t want Ms. C to think that I don’t know that she and Ms. J are different people.”
“Yeah, because they’re both just tall Black women.”
“Right, like you probably wouldn’t like it if one of your teachers kept coming up to you and calling you A right, because you’re both white boys with blond hair?”
“Yeah, and then they’d probably call A my name.”
“So we need to take a minute and pause and make sure we really know who someone is, and that we have evidence, because we could really mess up someone’s life by mistaking them for someone else.”
If you’re raising white children, you’ll find even more examples of race conscious conversations for kids of all ages in my book Raising Antiracist Kids: An age by age guide for parents of white children.
2. Jillian Best has a race conscious conversation with her 5 year old about George Floyd and protests
Many parenting bloggers have been hearing from white parents wondering if their preschool age children are too young to talk about racism. This video is an excellent example of honest, age appropriate conversation.
I especially noticed how Jillian incorporates Daniel’s comments, some of which seem more on topic than others (but she makes it all work!) It’s clearly one of many race conscious conversations the pair has had.
Related Post: 15 books to help kids and teens understand that Black Lives Matter
3. Nicole Lee, a Black parent, talks to her 7 year old about the Charlottesville attack
I love that Nicole Lee begins her EmbraceRace article on talking to her children about Charlottesville with a disclaimer of sorts. She says that because she’s Black, raising kids of color, and her professional work is social justice, lots of people think her kids would be able to have an almost adult understanding of racism.
Nope, she says, her children process things like kids would.
Her race conscious conversation with her 7 year old discusses why activists were gathered in Charlottesville, and that a protester was killed. She also emphasizes that “we are safe. We are also brave.” Read the full conversation and her tips for parents here.
4. A multiracial family talks with their 4 year old about stereotypical images
Rhea St. Julien is white, her husband is Black, and their child is biracial. In this article for Raising Race Conscious Children, she shares a conversation they had with their 4 year old about racist statues displayed at a vape shop near their home.
Their 4 year old remarks to Rhea that she likes the statues. She thinks they’re funny, and she likes them because they remind her of her Daddy. This opens up a conversation where Rhea has to balance not shaming her daughter with sharing what’s wrong about the statues.
Related Post: Talking to kids about anti-Asian racism
5. Melissa Giraud equips her children to speak up about a lack of dolls of color at Target
Why do we have race conscious conversations with children? There are many reasons, but to me one of the most important is to prepare them to actively challenge racism.
Melissa Giraud is the co-founder of EmbraceRace, along with her partner in life Andrew Grant-Thomas. So their daughters are no strangers to conversations about race.
One day her 5 year old was looking at a large display of dolls at Target and said, “I guess they only like white people.” At the time, Melissa suggested that the dolls of color might be out of stock.
But over the next month of running errands at Target, both her daughters noticed that there were still only white dolls on display. Her 8 year old decided she wanted to talk to Target staff about that.
Read the full article at EmbraceRace to find out all the steps the girls took on this issue.
Related Post: 7 inspiring examples of kid activists challenging racism