There are tough topics that adults are uncomfortable discussing. It can be hard enough to talk about things like mental health, disabilities, or race with other adults. So how can we talk about them with kids?
One of my best “teachers” in how to have conversations on tough topics has been great children’s books. Read on for seven tips I’ve learned from children’s books that tackle subjects that, too often, adults avoid.
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1. Avoid encouraging kids to pity people who society has marginalized
It can be hard for adults to realize the subtle ways we teach kids to look down on a disabled person or a person of color. Recently I wrote about my realization that the way many white people talk about racism can make kids think there’s something wrong with being Black. But there’s nothing wrong with being Black. There’s nothing wrong with being disabled. The problem is racism and ableism.
Often adults show our discomfort with disability by using euphemisms, or telling children they are lucky if they don’t have a disability.
As Kristine Napper, author of A Kids Book About Disabilities, writes in her book, “having a disability is one of the many ways to be normal.” Napper’s book emphasizes that being disabled means “you can’t do something the way most people do, so you find a different way.”
Calling people “brave” or “inspiring” just for being disabled is a form of condescension (even if it’s coming from a well-intentioned place.)
One way we can avoid the trap of pitying or objectifying people is by reading books and watching movies that show disabled children and adults simply living life. (These aren’t easy to find, but I hope the children’s media world is starting to get the message about this.)
Also, if you’re wondering why I’m not using “people first” language when discussing disability, see this article.
Recommended books:
A Kids Book About Disabilities by Kristine Napper (recommended for ages 5 – 9, #ownvoices)
King for a Day by Rukhsana Khan (recommended for ages 5 – 9). Find on Bookshop.
Related Post: 12 stereotype-busting children’s books starring disabled characters
2. It’s okay to use big words to talk about tough topics
We can – and should – teach kids big words that accurately describe a situation. As long as we provide easy to understand examples, and don’t use too many big words in one sentence, kids can learn what these words mean.
In The Wedding Portrait, picture book author Innosanto Nagara teaches kids complex social justice tactics and concepts. Civil disobedience, blockade, and nuclear radiation are just a few of the ideas he introduces.
But he pairs them with concrete examples from history, and sometimes, a playful line. When the people of India wanted the British Empire to leave their country, Nagara says “that playdate was over.”
I teach kids about institutional racism in my “what can I do about racism” workshop. When we get to the word “institution” I ask everyone to say it in their deepest, most serious voice (which sounds really funny.) Then we go through examples of what an institution is.
Recommended books:
The Wedding Portrait by Innosanto Nagara (recommended for ages 5 – 10.) Find on Bookshop
A Kids Book About Systemic Racism by Jordan Thierry (#ownvoices, recommended for ages 7 – 12)
3. Stories help kids remember what you’ve discussed
Have you ever found yourself giving a much longer answer to a child’s question that you meant to? Sometimes it’s only when my child’s eyes glaze over that I realize I need to stop talking!
What can work much better than long, logical explanations is telling a story.
I’d tried to tell my son more than a few times that I have an anxiety disorder. But I don’t think he really understood what that meant until we read the book A Kids Book About Anxiety.
Author Ross Szabo describes how an anxiety attack feels as it sneaks up on him during a school day. Later in the book, he describes how he’s able to slowly change the outcome of that same attack using techniques he’s learned.
With both children and adults, stories stick in our brains and hearts better than explanations alone do. And that gives us more time to ponder what we’re learning.
Recommended Books:
A Kids Book About Anxiety by Ross Szabo (#ownvoices, recommended for ages 6 – 12)
Together Things by Michelle Vasiliu (#ownvoices, recommended for ages 3 – 7)
4. When talking tough topics, use examples that kids can relate to
When we’re talking about complex ideas like sexism, ableism, or racism, it helps to show children how it relates to their world. The younger a child is, the more important it is that we share examples that affect children.
In A Kids Book About White Privilege, author Ben Sand asks white children what it would feel like if no characters in their favorite movie looked like them. Another example he shares is being able to quickly find a Band-Aid that matches their skin tone.
Younger kids especially are developmentally self-centered. This is appropriate! But it also means we need to find ways to tap into that self-orientation when we talk about injustice.
Related Post: 9 examples of systemic racism kids can understand
Even with older children, it helps to point to situations that they or their peers are experiencing right now. In This Book Is Anti-Racist, Tiffany Jewell, who is Black-biracial, talks about racist beauty standards. While she loves her hair now, she shares that as a teen she spent years trying to straighten her curls to fit white ideas of beautiful hair.
Recommended Books:
A Kids Book About White Privilege by Ben Sand (recommended for ages 7 – 11)
This Book Is Anti-Racist: 20 Lessons on How to Wake Up, Take Action, and Do the Work by Tiffany Jewell (#ownvoices, recommended for ages 10+). Find on Bookshop
This Book Is Anti-Racist Journal: Over 50 Activities to Help you Wake Up, Take Action, and Do the Work by Tiffany Jewell. Find on Bookshop
5. Validate kids’ feelings (even if they make you uncomfortable)
This tip isn’t just true when talking about tough topics with kids; it’s true all the time. When kids are experiencing emotions – especially intense ones – adults need to treat their feelings as valid.
That means not trying to talk them out of their feelings. When I find myself doing this, it’s usually because I feel powerless to help my child.
But it’s not my job to “fix” his feelings. It’s my role to help him understand and accept those feelings. Often, that’s the fastest way to move through unpleasant feelings to some type of solution or action.
When my son and I read A Kids Book About Shame, I appreciated that Jamie Letourneau didn’t imply to kids that they needed to stop feeling shame. (Because how would you do that, really?)
Instead, she talks about the many different ways shame might feel, helping kids identify their emotions. And she encourages kids to try one of the many ways to share what they’re feeling with someone they trust.
Recommended books:
A Kids Book About Shame by Jamie Letourneau (recommended for ages 6 – 10)
The Many Colors of Harpreet Singh by Supriya Kelkar and Alea Marley (#ownvoices, recommended for ages 3 – 7) Find on Bookshop
6. When words fail us, try art
When I first read the book Not My Idea: A Book About Whiteness, I wasn’t sure what age it was suited for. Because the book doesn’t have a lot of text and is mostly illustrations, it might seem like it’s for younger kids. But the way it unpacks the concepts of whiteness and police brutality seemed like it was a better fit for older kids.
Then I realized the art was what makes room for “big kids” to really feel the feelings that the book evokes. Viewing art, as well as creating their own art, is a powerful way for kids to delve deeper into tough topics like racism. It takes them beyond the intellectual level to the heart (which is where the deepest change begins.)
I’ve also learned from the families I work with that art can be a good place for children to pour their hurt, anger, or guilt about racism. One technique I recommend when kid are struggling with the history they’re learning is to write words they’re feeling on a page, and then decorate them in ways that fit with that word.
Recommended books:
Not My Idea: A Book About Whiteness by Anastasia Higginbotham (ages 8+) Find on Bookshop
Glory: Magical Visions of Black Beauty by Kahran and Regis Bethencourt (#ownvoices, recommended for ages 10+ for text, ages 6+ for photographs) Find on Bookshop
7. Directly address false ideas kids might have heard
One of the most frequent questions I get about my work is whether adults could be putting harmful ideas into kids’ heads by discussing racism.
This question ignores the fact that children are already living in a racist society, and kids are excellent observers. They’re absorbing all kinds of messages and trying to make sense of them.
So it’s best for us to directly talk about lies that might be hearing about race and other tough topics.
Early on in A Kids Book About Feminism, Emma Mcilroy tells kids directly that some people think feminism is scary or that feminists don’t like boys.
Then she outlines what feminists actually believe. What if a child has never heard the idea that “feminists don’t like boys”? Will the book put that idea in their heads?
I don’t think so. Instead it will prepare them for how to respond when they do eventually hear someone say that feminism is anti-male.
Recommended books:
A Kids Book About Feminism by Emma Mcilroy (recommended for ages 5 – 9)
The Lying Liar Called Racism by Giselle Fuerte (recommended for ages 5 – 9, #ownvoices). Find on Bookshop.
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