Even people who are deeply committed to antiracism will sometimes make racial mistakes.
And, if you’re white and in the early stages of your antiracism journey, it can be easy to get mired in guilt and shame when you mess up.
It’s crucial that we move beyond guilt so that we can apologize for our racial mistakes. We are not perfect, and none of us ever will be. As we help our children become antiracist, it’s so important to model to them what to do after we’ve said or done something racist.
The elements of an authentic apology
As kids, many of us were forced to say “I’m sorry” by adults, shake hands, and then walk away like nothing happened. That’s not a true apology!
To apologize in a way that shows they want to do better in the future, the person apologizing needs to:
- say they are sorry
- acknowledge what was wrong about what they said/did
- say what was hurtful to the other person about that action
- share what they will do in the future to not repeat this mistake.
One other note about apologizing. It’s important, even if you feel really bad, to NOT make the apology about you. Going on and on about how bad you feel, or emphasizing how you didn’t mean to hurt the person, centers you, not them.
So, what does this process look like when it comes to racial mistakes? Let’s look at some common scenarios of adults making racial mistakes with kids (or in their presence.)
6 situations where adults should apologize to kids for their racial mistakes
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1. You committed a racial microaggression
Racial microaggressions are interactions between individual people (that’s why they’re called “micro,” not because they’re unimportant.) Dr. Derald Wing Sue describes how these interactions are slights, snubs, and comments that communicate negative messages about someone based on their identity.
One common microaggression that children of the Global Majority experience at school is teachers and classmates repeatedly mispronouncing their names.
If you realize you’ve mispronounced a child’s name, stop and apologize! Say something, in front of the whole class like, “I just realized I said your name wrong. Our names are so important, and I’m sorry I did that. Let me try again, and will you tell me if I got it right?”
Apologizing for this type of racial mistake models to children that they should do this too. It also shows them that messing up is not the end of the world. We acknowlege what we did, and we do our best not to repeat our mistakes.
During my last workshop for elementary teachers on systemic racism, one wise educator shared that everyone in her class knows they can use the words “oops” and “ouch” when they make racial mistakes. “Ouch” is a way a child or adult can alert others that they need to stop and discuss what was said. “Oops” is what a person can say themselves when they realize they’ve made a mistake and need to correct it.
2. Someone points out that an expression you used is racist.
Racism is woven into U.S. and world history, so it’s not surprising that there are many words and expressions out there that have racist origins. Unless you’re an expert linguist, you’re going to find out at some point that an expression you’ve used is harmful.
If someone points this out to you, it can be easy to get stuck in embarassment (especially if a child is the one who pointed out your racial mistake!) Try to change your mindset instead to gratitude. Someone took the time to help you learn, and that means you’ll be able to avoid this hurtful language going forward.
Say something like, “Thank you for taking the time to teach me that this phrase is rooted in racism. I’m going to find another expression to replace it that isn’t hurtful.” (If you’re in a classroom or group, you might ask children to help you brainstorm other words or phrases you could use instead of the one that is racist.)
3. You’re reading a book or watching a film that has racist stereotypes
When our younger son was five years old, one of his teachers read his class the book Peter Pan. He learned racist stereotypes about Native Americans from the book and the slur “r*dskin.” When I learned about this and spoke to the lead teacher in the class, she asked if I had suggestions about how to handle this situation.
First, I think it’s advisable for adults to re-read books, especially those labeled as “classics” before diving into them with children. But that’s not always possible.
(I do have a list of some popular ones I recommend avoiding because of racist content. You’ll find this in my guide to the top diverse books, which is part of my free Resource Library. Request access by filling out the form below.)
In the moment, I recommend stopping right there, and saying something like, “We need to pause from the story for a minute and talk about this. I didn’t remember that this book had racist ideas about Native American people in it. For one thing, Native Americans do not have skin that is “red,” and many Native people have told us this is a very hurtful thing to say. This word that the author of Peter Pan used for Native people is not okay to ever say. Can we promise each other this isn’t a word we will use, and that we’ll speak up if someone does use it?”
Personally, with a book that has as many racist stereotypes in it as Peter Pan, I recommend you not finish the book. (This process should include telling children why you stopped reading it.)
However, if you decide to continue with a book or film, it’s crucial to pause and talk about stereotypes and racist language any time they reappear in the book.
4. You realize in hindsight that you shared inaccurate information.
With a 24 hour news cycle and increasing news coverage (some good, much of it not so good) of issues of racism, it’s easy to get something wrong.
What if you realize that you’ve shared inaccurate information, or incomplete information (such as a police account of a shooting of a Black person, but not witness accounts?)
In addition to apologizing, model to children how to research the accuracy of a statement, and determine whether a website is trustworthy.
Share where you heard the incorrect information and how you came to realize it was not right. Also, make space to talk about how racist stereotypes may have led you to believe the information that wasn’t true.
5. You froze up and said nothing
I grew up in a family where we often found it hard to talk about conflict, so freezing up is usually my first reaction to uncomfortable situations.
Often, we don’t recover from our “freeze up” until after the situation is over. However, that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t talk to kids later who witnessed the situation.
Simply saying something like “I’ve been thinking more about what happened yesterday, and I don’t feel good about how I handled that. Can we talk about it?”
If you froze up when another person said something racist, share what you want to say in the future when something like this happens. (Still not sure what you could say? This guide from the Southern Poverty Law Center can help.)
If you were silent or changed the subject when a child asked you a tough question about race, offer to do some research, or your own or with them. Look for children’s books about race that address their particular question.
6. You’ve never talked to your child about race
Maybe you’re reading this post because you’ve realized you should talk to your kids about race, and you’ve never done it.
I recommend apologizing to your child, because this too is a racial mistake. You could say something like, “you know I talk to you about a lot of important things that you need to know. But I realized that we’ve never really talked about skin color and race, and I’m sorry about that. Race is important, because it makes a big difference in what people experience in life. We’re going to start talking about that more, and we’re going to be learning together.”
Apologizing for our racial mistakes isn’t easy, but it’s so important to model for kids!
Especially when you’re first learning how to do it, apologizing for saying or doing something racist can feel hard. But it gets more straightforward and easier to do the more you practice.
Along the way, the kids in your life will learn that our goal in the antiracism journey is to be honest with ourselves and learn to do better, not to be perfect. They’ll be ready to step up and apologize when they need to, so that they can continue their commitment to ending racism.
