How to talk about microaggressions with kids

You want your kids to be comfortable in their own skin and proud of the things that make them who they are. And you want kids to respect other children in the same way, right? If both of those are true, then talking to your kids about microaggressions matters.

Kids are watching and listening to adults all the time, through face to face contact and through all kinds of media. Through all this observing, children absorb the subtle and overt biased messages society sends about race, gender, sexual orientation, class, and disability.

Children then reflect those biased messages back to other kids, often in the form of microaggressions. See, for example, this research about how children in a multiracial preschool regularly used racially biased language with their peers.

If any aspect of your child’s identity is marginalized by society, they will also likely be on the receiving end of microaggressions. If we teach kids what microaggressions are and how they hurt, then we can show kids how to interrupt them.

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Discover 6 strategies for teaching kids what microaggressions are and how to respond to them, plus children's books to spark conversations. — Image description: A girl with tawny brown hued skin and long dark brown hair frowns and holds one thumb pointed downward. Text overlay reads “six strategies that help kids understand and challenge microaggressions.”

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What is a microaggression?

Psychology professor Dr. Derald Wing Sue describes microaggressions as:

the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.

In The Antiracist Kid, Tiffany Jewell’s excellent book for 8 to 12 year olds, Jewell describes microaggressions this way:

Microaggressions are a kind of discrimination. They seem small, but they are not! Microaggressions are negative words and actions from people who are members of the dominant culture toward people who are not part of the dominant culture…Microaggressions can make you feel small. They can make you not believe in yourself. Microaggressions will leave you feeling sad, uncomfortable, and hurt. Microaggressions are not okay.

While each microaggression is painful to the person receiving it, it’s the cumulative effect of these common interactions that cause the most harm.

It’s a common misconception that the prefix “micro” means that the harmful effect of microaggressions is small. In his book How to Be an Antiracist, Ibram X. Kendi recommends abandoning the term because it minimizes racism.

However, as sociologist Robert L. Reece shares in the post below, “micro” does not refer to “the size of the slight. It means it happens at the “micro” level, ie between individuals. This is in contrast to the “macro” level, which refers to social structures and institutions.”

When folks engage in microaggressions, sometimes they don’t even realize they’re being discriminatory or offensive. So if the person they’ve just insulted calls them out on it, they’re likely to be defensive. The defensive retort that that “you’re imagining things” makes the impact of the microaggression even bigger on the person who’s receiving it.

In this video, teens share how much the pain of microaggressions has added up in their lives.

Examples of microaggressions

Microaggressions are slights and insults based on social identities, so they can be related to race, gender and gender identity, sexual orientation, religion, body size, disability, or social class.

Consider these examples:

Men making catcalls to a woman as she walks down the street.
White people complimenting an Asian American man who was born in the United States on how good his English is.
A straight person telling a lesbian, “I couldn’t even tell you were gay, that’s so cool!”
Sighted people regularly raising their voices when they talk to a blind person.
A predominantly white high school displays a statue of a stereotypically dressed “warrior” in the school vestibule, which Native students have to walk past every day.
A white woman clutches her purse when a Black man passes her on the sidewalk.
A Christian asks a Muslim woman “why does your husband make you cover up your hair?”
A straight-sized (non plus sized) person asks a woman in a large body, “do you want an exercise buddy? I’d be happy to help you lose weight.”

Dr. Sue provides many more examples of microaggressions (and the hidden messages they communicate) in this article.

6 Strategies for helping children understand and challenge microaggressions

1. Explore what makes up our identities

Talking about identity and representation on a regular basis helps kids identify and resist oppression. First grade teacher Bret Turner explains how he does this in his classroom. When they read stories, he asks the students, “whose story is being told here?”

Having a book collection that’s diverse (in terms of race, sexual orientation, physical ability, religion, and more) and that resists gender stereotypes is a huge help.

Followup conversation is important too. Help younger kids find the right words to use about identity, so that they know these words aren’t shameful. For example, when my son was around kindergarten age, while we read, I said things like:

“Stella has two dads. They love each other the same way your Dad and I love each other. Her dads are gay. Daddy and I are straight.” (while reading the book Stella Brings the Family)
“Did you notice that Zara uses a wheelchair to get around the classroom because she has a disability? She’s still able to learn and play with her friends.” (while reading Hello Goodbye Dog)

For families, it’s even more important that we surround our kids with people who have many different identities. For teachers, it’s vital to find lots of different ways to honor your students’ diverse identities in your classroom.

Image description: Book cover of Raising Antiracits Kids: An age-by-age guide for parents of white children by Rebekah Gienapp, with a review by Dr. Jennifer Harvey. Click on the image to learn more about the book.

2. Talk about the difference between meanness and slights that are aimed at a person’s identities

When teaching kids about kindness and teasing, adults should communicate that it’s never okay to make fun of someone because of their identity.

You might explain it this way:

Someone’s skin color, the languages they speak, who’s in their family, their religion, a disability they have, or whether they are a boy, girl, both, or neither is part of who they are. We call those things identities and they are very special. Let’s think about some of the identities that make you who you are. (Help your child name some of these.) It would hurt for someone to tease you or leave you out because of one of those things. And it’s not okay for you to exclude or make fun of someone else because of who they are.

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Bret Turner also talks openly with his students about racism. Students know that even though being called a racist can hurt your feelings, the hurt is not nearly as deep as the person who’s on the receiving end of racism.

Of course, children won’t always realize when they’ve hurt someone’s feelings (whether the hurt is related to identity or not.) In preschool teacher Elena Jaime’s classroom, they use the word “ouch” to indicate to kids that someone’s words or actions have been hurtful. When students hear “ouch,” they know they need to stop and talk.

Elena introduced a new teacher to her students who was Asian American. When the new teacher spoke, one of the kids said “wow, you sound American.” Elena said “ouch,” and later that day they gathered to talk about microaggressions (she described them as being like paper cuts.) Students began to give examples from their own lives once they understood the idea.

In a systemic racism workshop I offer for elementary educators and community workers, one teacher shared that all of her students know that any of them can use the words “ouch,” to note a conversation that needs to happen. They also know they can use the word “oops” to acknowledge their own mistakes, and the teacher herself regularly uses both these words.

3. Use children’s books to talk about microaggressions

Once you’re on the lookout for microaggressions, you’ll probably notice them happening in many stories. Take a moment to notice the slight with your child, and to name it as a microaggression. Ask children how they think the character who hears these hurtful words about their identity might be feeling.

Here are just a few books you can use, that are both moving stories and that address microaggressions:

Image description: Cover of Say My Name. An East Asian girl with long black hair speaks to a South Asian boy with short wavy black hair. Speech bubbles come out of both of their mouths.

Say My Name by Joanna Ho. Illustrated by Khoa Le.

Purchase from Bookshop.org (supports independent bookstores)

Names are powerful, personal, familial, and communal all at the same time. In this gorgeously illustrated book, six children with Chinese, Tongan, Persian, Navajao, Mexican, and Ghanian heritage share the moving stories about the significance of their names and their cultural roots while urging readers to “say my name” because “anything less is not me.”

Read aloud tip: Be sure to consult the pronunciation guide and spend some time practicing the names in the book before reading the book to children. (Recommended for ages 4 – 8.)

Microaggressions are the everyday slights and insults people with a marginalized identity have do endure. Kids experience them (and commit them) all the time. But if we teach kids what they are, they can help interrupt these hurtful moments! Click through for 6 strategies for helping kids understand microaggressions, including a list of children's books that will spark conversation on the topic. #racism #weneeddiversebooks — Image description: Cover of Yo Soy Muslim. A light brown-skin Latina girl smiles as she embraces her father.

Yo Soy Muslim by Mark Gonzales and Mehrdokht Amini

Purchase from Bookshop (supports independent bookstores)

The book is about the beauty of being both Latine and Muslim, but also about the slights and inappropriate questions a father knows his daughter will receive. (Recommended for ages 3 – 7)

Image description: Cover of New Kid. A Black boy with a light brown skin tone wears a serious expression on his face as he looks down at a booklet in his hand.

New Kid by Jerry Craft.

Purchase from Bookshop.org (supports independent bookstores)

In this laugh-out-loud graphic novel, new kid Jordan attends a posh private school, where he’s one of the few kids of color. Jordan experiences a variety of microaggressions from his peers and teachers, while also developing friendships and exploring his artistic gifts. (Recommended for ages 8 – 12.)

Looking for the perfect back to school book? Whether you're a parent who wants to ease your child's first day jitters or a teacher looking for a story to read the first week of school, you'll love these multicultural and diverse books. #weneeddiversebooks #backtoschool — Image description: Cover of Morris Micklewhite and the Tangerine Dress. A young white boy with red hair wears a flouncy red dress as he stomps past a spaceship.

Morris Micklewhite and the Tangerine Dress by Christine Baldacchino and Isabelle Malenfant

Purchase from Bookshop (supports independent bookstores)

Morris defies gender stereotypes by wearing his favorite tangerine dress from the classroom dress up corner. Boys in the class refuse to let him play astronauts with them while wearing the dress, and a girl tells him that boys can’t wear dresses. (Recommended for ages 4 – 8)

Non-binary and transgender characters shine in these delightful picture books, graphic novels, and middle grade chapter books. — Image description: An Anishinaabe child with long brown hair pulled into a ponytail runs after a white rabbit. Behind them are a brown rabbit, an auntie holding a teapot, and an angry white woman wearing a red suit, surrounded by robots.

Rabbit Chase by Elizabeth LaPensée and KC Oster.

Purchase from Bookshop.org (supports independent bookstores)

In this adventure-themed graphic novel, non-binary Aimée tires of the taunts and questions they face about their gender. The story is a new twist on Alice in Wonderland, where even the Red Queen wants to know “who are you? Are you a little boy? A girl?” to which Aimée responds “a gamer.” (Recommended for ages 8 – 12.)

A conversation with my 7 year old about microaggressions using The Name Jar

When my son was six years old, I introduced him to The Name Jar. I told him that I wanted to teach him a big word using the story. Below, I share some of our conversation:

D: What’s the word?

R: Microaggression. So, you know how there are things that make up our identity, that make us who we are?

D: Yeah, like your skin, like whether you are black or white, or white or Latino, or a boy or a girl.

R: Right, and like whether you are straight, like Daddy and me, or gay like our friends Mr. R. and Mr. T. Or if you’re able bodied or if you have some kind of disability. Well, a microaggression is teasing someone or hurting their feelings in a way that’s about their identity. Some people say it’s like a paper cut. One paper cut by itself doesn’t hurt that bad, right? But if you got a paper cut every single day, you’d be pretty upset about it right?

D: Yeah, at school there’s this new way that I got a paper cut, and then in the bathroom I smashed my fingers in the door.

R: Ouch! Earlier tonight, you were telling me that A (a classmate) has been calling you a short version of your name that you don’t like. If he keeps calling you that after you told him you don’t like it, that would be unkind of him. But it wouldn’t be a microaggression. A’s not saying your name isn’t normal or making fun of your name. If someone was making fun of someone else’s name because they didn’t think it sounded normal or they didn’t think it sounded American, that’s a microaggression. Because all names –

D (interrupts): are normal names. Yeah, like even the name chicken. (said with a serious face)

R: Hmm. Well the story we’re going to read is called The Name Jar. Let’s see what happens.

When we got to the part of the story where kids on the bus are mispronouncing and joking about Unhei’s name, D said “that’s not nice.” And on the next page, when Unhei tells the class she hasn’t decided on her American name yet, D slapped his forehead in frustration.

4. Teach kids that the impact of their words and actions matters more than their intentions

One of the reasons that microaggressions are so hurtful is that often, when the person who received it says they are hurt or offended, the perpetrator gets defensive or says “you’re too sensitive.”

Adults can show kids by our example that if someone says we’ve hurt them, we need to believe them instead of trying to change their minds.

Educator Kelly Elson shares a helpful story of how to respond when a child unintentionally hurts another child through a microaggression.

Her young students had been gathering different birthday songs from their own cultures. When Tian brought a song that was in Mandarin, his classmate Miguel said “that’s funny” after Elson played the song. Tian immendiately frowned, and Elson asked how he was feeling.

Tian replied that it was not funny. Elson guided conversation about how they could talk about the songs they were hearing in a way that would make everyone in the class feel good.

Miguel was not trying to hurt Tian’s feelings, but he did. After a discussion with lots of participation, the children listened to Tian’s birthday song again attentively. Tian’s body language changed, indicating he felt respected.

5. Role play how to respond to microaggressions

When children are the target of a microaggression:

As you talk about identity with children, they may share with you times that someone said something to them that was a microaggression. Perhaps “you run fast for a girl,” or to a multiracial child, “what are you?” or “where are you really from?”

Talk with your child about how the comment made them feel. Role play some different ways they could respond next time, if they weren’t happy with the response they made this time. Your child may be at a loss for words, so sharing some simple phrases like “stop that!” or “that’s not okay” may be helpful.

Ask who is a trusted adult that they can go to for support if something similar happens again, or if they want help talking to the other person about the microaggression they already committed.

If your child is reluctant to speak up to an adult or the child who committed the microaggression, pressuring them to do so likely won’t help. At the same time, emphasizing that what was said was not okay and reaffirming your child’s identity can help them develop more stamina over the long term.

When children witness a micoaggression:

It’s also important to practice what kids can say as a bystander if they see a microaggression happening. Even teaching kids to say something like “that’s not nice. It’s not ok to make fun of somebody for being who they are” is a good first step.

Remind your child that it’s important to check in with the person who’s been harmed about what THEY want you to do. A bystander can offer options like “do you want me to go with you to an adult so you can tell them what happened?” or “do you want me to say something to [the person who committed the microaggression]” or “do you want to go somewhere else to play?” In the end, a bystander needs to respect how the target of the microaggression wants to respond.

When children commit a microaggression:

As an adult, its crucial to communicate to your child why their comments or actions were not okay WITHOUT using shame. Shame will shut down a child’s emotions and make them defensive, which means they can’t learn from their mistakes.

Let your child know that every single person (including you and every other grown up), has prejudices that they need to work to unlearn. This doesn’t make you “bad,” but you do have a responsibility to try to repair things with the person you hurt.

Go over the elements of an authentic apology with your child (this is most meaningful if your child regularly sees you using this way of apologizing!)

It helps kids to hear grownups admit and apologize for their own microaggressions. Being vulnerable and sharing a time that you’ve committed a microaggression or made a racial mistake can help your child move past embarassment toward working to repair things with the child they’ve hurt.

6. Support children who want to challenge bias at school

Especially as older elementary children put a framework around microaggressions, they may want to challenge them within their school or other settings. Whether they want to change relationships at the “micro” level (between individuals) or challenge policies at patterns at the “macro” level (at their school for example), adult support makes a big different.

For example, children may want their school to stop using a stereotypical Native American mascot, or they may want to challenge sexist dress codes.

As parents and educators, we can support them in making an action plan. Let kids take the lead, but help them think through issues like:

What are the arguments I want to make about why this should change?
What facts do I have or what research do I need to do to back up my arguments?
Who are some other students or adults who probably agree with me about this?
What’s the best first step? A petition? Writing a letter to the principal or asking to meet with them? Something else?
What can I do if my first step doesn’t get the issue resolved? How can I get more support for my cause?

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3 responses to “How to talk about microaggressions with kids”

Michael Genhart, PhD

April 11, 2020

Great piece about microaggressions! Might I also point you to my picture book called Ouch! Moments: When Words are Used in Hurtful Ways (Magination Press, illustrated by Viviana Garofoli). It’s all about miscroaggressions. Kevin Nadal, PhD (expert on the topic) also wrote a guide for Educators and Parents which you can find at the end of the book. I hope you find it helpful!

Thank you!
Marcus HIll

October 4, 2020

The level fragility of people and their lack of reflection is really something. Teaching kids about “microagressions” is the height of privilege. Some people have more important things to worry about. Teaching kids that believing they are equal is wrong? Having to view EVERYTHING through the lens of race and having race be the cornerstone of identity and every single public interaction (although it is a made up social construct right?) is ludicrous and doesn’t bring about more racial harmony. It actually makes it worse. Crazy indoctrination. Shame on you.
Teresa

February 23, 2021

Can a child commit a microagression?

Rebekah Gienapp