You want your kids to be comfortable in their own skin and proud of the things that make them who they are. And you want kids to respect other children in the same way, right? If both of those are true, then we need to figure out how to talk to kids about microaggressions.

Kids are sponges, much more so than most adults want to admit. Children absorb the subtle and overt messages society sends about race, gender, sexual orientation, class, and disability.

And they reflect those biased messages back to other kids, often in the form of microaggressions.

Not only are kids likely to commit microaggressions. If any aspect of their identity is marginalized by society, they will also be on the receiving end of them. But if we teach kids what microaggressions are, then we can show kids how to interrupt them. 

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What is a microaggression?

Psychology professor Dr. Derald Wing Sue describes microaggressions as:

“the everyday verbal, nonverbal, and environmental slights, snubs, or insults, whether intentional or unintentional, which communicate hostile, derogatory, or negative messages to target persons based solely upon their marginalized group membership.”

I’ve heard microaggressions described as being similar to paper cuts or mosquito bites. One by itself isn’t just an irritation. But because they happen frequently, together they add up to make a person whose identity is already marginalized feel that marginalization even more intensely.

When folks engage in microaggressions, they often don’t realize they’re being discriminatory or offensive. So if the person they’ve just insulted calls them out on it, they’re likely to be defensive. The defensive retort that that “you’re imagining things” makes the impact of the microaggression even bigger on the person who’s receiving it.

Related Post: When I use the word racism, this is what I mean

In this video, teens share how much the pain of microaggressions has added up in their lives.

Examples of microaggressions

Microaggressions are slights and insults based on identity, so that they can be related to race, gender and gender identity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or social class.

Consider these examples:

• A woman endures catcalls while walking down the street.
• An Asian American man who was born in the United States is complimented on his English.
• A lesbian who introduces someone to her partner is told, “I couldn’t even tell you were gay, that’s so cool!”
• A blind man regularly experiences people raising their voices while they talk to him.
• A Cherokee student has to walk past a statue of a stereotypically dressed “warrior” in the school vestibule every day.
• A Black man passes a white woman on the sidewalk, and she clutches her purse.
• A Muslim woman is asked “why does your husband make you cover up your hair?”

Dr. Sue provides many more examples of microaggressions (and the hidden messages they communicate) in this article.

Related Post:  7 Mistakes to Avoid When Talking to Kids about Race

6 Strategies for teaching elementary aged kids about microaggressions

1. Explore what makes up our identities

Talking about identity and representation on a regular basis helps kids identify and resist oppression. First grade teacher Bret Turner explains how he does this in his classroom. When they read stories, he asks the students, “whose story is being told here?”

Having a book collection that’s diverse (in terms of race, sexual orientation, physical ability, religion) and that resists gender stereotypes is a huge help. Followup conversation is important too. Help younger kids find the right words to use about identity, so that they know these words aren’t shameful. For example, I might tell my son:

• “Stella has two dads. They love each other the same way your Dad and I love each other. Her dads are gay. Daddy and I are straight.” (while reading the book Stella Brings the Family)
• “Did you notice that Zara uses a wheelchair to get around the classroom because she has a disability? She’s still able to learn and play with her friends.” (while reading Hello Goodbye Dog)

But for parents, it’s even more important that we surround our kids with people who have many different identities. For teachers, it’s vital to find lots of different ways to honor your students’ diverse identities in your classroom.

Related Post: Huge list of LGBTQ affirming resources for parents and teachers

2. Talk about the difference between just being mean and hurts that are rooted in our identities

When teaching kids about kindness and teasing, adults should communicate that it’s never okay to make fun of someone because of their identity.

Bret Turner also talks openly with his students about racism. Students know that even though being called a racist can hurt your feelings, the hurt is not nearly as deep as the person who’s on the receiving end of racism.

Of course, children won’t always realize when they’re hurt someone’s feelings (whether the hurt is related to identity or not.) In  preschool  teacher Elena Jaime’s classroom, they use the word “ouch” to indicate to kids that someone’s words or actions have been hurtful. When students hear “ouch,” they know they need to stop and talk.

Elena introduced a new teacher to her students who was Asian American. When the new teacher spoke, one of the kids said “wow, you sound American.” Elena said “ouch,” and later that day they gathered to talk about microaggressions (she described them as being like paper cuts.) Students began to give examples from their own lives once they understood the idea.

Related Post: 6 ways to make a children’s Peace Camp a success

3. Use children’s books to talk about microaggressions

Once you’re on the lookout for microaggressions, you’ll probably notice them happening in many stories. Take a moment to notice the slight with your child, and to name it as a microaggression. Ask children how they think the character who received the snub might be feeling.

Here are just a few books you can use, that are both moving stories and that contain moments of microaggressions:

Yo Soy Muslim by Mark Gonzales and Mehrdokht Amini

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The book is about the beauty of being both Latin@ and Muslim, but also about the slights and inappropriate questions a father knows his daughter will receive. (Recommended for ages 3 – 7)

Amazing Grace by Mary Hoffman and Caroline Binch

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When Grace wants to play Peter Pan in the school play, a classmate tells her that she can’t play Peter because she is Black. Important note: I only recommend this book if you can get a copy of the 25th anniversary U.S. edition. That’s because this is the only edition that’s removed a stereotypical image of Grace pretending to be an Indian. (Recommended for ages 4 – 8)

Morris Micklewhite and the Tangerine Dress by Christine Baldacchino and Isabelle Malenfant

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Morris defies gender stereotypes by wearing his favorite tangerine dress from the classroom dress up corner. Boys in the class refuse to let him play astronauts with them while wearing the dress, and a girl tells him that boys can’t wear dresses. (Recommended for ages 4 – 8)

Related Post: 12 LGBTQ affirming picture books for kids

A Different Pond by Bao Phi and Thi Bui

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A boy at school tells the main character that his Vietnamese father’s English “sounds like a thick, dirty river.” But to the little boy, his Dad’s English sounds like “gentle rain.”  (recommended for ages 4 – 8)

Related Post:  11 Children’s Books about Immigrants and Refugees

El Deafo by Cece Bell

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This graphic novel tells the author’s own story of growing up deaf and how others reacted to her. Her friendship with Ginny is full of microaggressions, including Ginny speaking in a slow, exaggerated manner that Cece can’t understand. (Recommended for ages 8+)

Related Post: 12 stereotype-busting picture books starring disabled characters

Keep Climbing Girls by Beah Richards and Gregory Christie 

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This poem cheers on a young girl who keeps climbing a tree, even after her neighbor taunts her for being a tomboy. (Recommended for ages 4 – 9)

The Name Jar by Yangsook Choi

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On Unhei’s first day of school, some of her classmates make fun of her name and refuse to learn how to pronounce it correctly. (Recommended for ages 5 – 10)

They, He, She, Easy as ABC by Maya Christina Gonzalez and Matthew SG

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Not using a person’s preferred pronouns is a microaggression. This is a great book for teaching younger children about pronouns in a fun way. (Recommended for ages 3 – 7)

Poems about microaggressions for upper elementary children

“Strands”  by Irene Latham and Charles Waters (about white people touching Black people’s hair) in Can I Touch Your Hair? Poems of Race, Mistakes and Friendship

“Mexican Education” by Alejandro Jimenez (about being forced to change your name.) Read excerpts of the poem in this article from Rethinking Schools.

“Name” by Hiwot Adilow (about others’ refusal to learn your name) Read the poem here.

A conversation with my 7 year old using The Name Jar

Both my son and I are white. Recently, I introduced him to The Name Jar. I told him that I wanted to teach him a big word using the story. I said it’s a word that some grownups don’t understand, but that I thought he could. Below, I share some of our conversation:

D: What’s the word?

R: Microaggression. So, you know how there are things that make up our identity, that make us who we are?

D: Yeah, like your skin, like whether you are black or white, or white or Latino, or a boy or a girl.

R: Right, and like whether you are straight, like Daddy and me, or gay like our friends Mr. R. and Mr. T. Or if you’re able bodied or if you have some kind of disability. Well, a microaggression is teasing someone or hurting their feelings in a way that’s about their identity. Some people say it’s like a paper cut. One paper cut by itself doesn’t hurt that bad, right? But if you got a paper cut every single day, you’d be pretty upset about it right?

D: Yeah, at school there’s this new way that I got a paper cut, and then in the bathroom I smashed my fingers in the door.

R: Ouch! Earlier tonight, you were telling me that A (a classmate) has been calling you a short version of your name that you don’t like. If he keeps calling you that after you told him you don’t like it, that would be unkind of him. But it wouldn’t be a microaggression. A’s not saying your name isn’t normal or making fun of your name. If someone was making fun of someone else’s name because they didn’t think it sounded normal or they didn’t think it sounded American, that’s a microaggression. Because all names

D (interrupts): are normal names. Yeah, like even the name chicken. (said with a serious face)

R: Hmm. Well the story we’re going to read is called The Name Jar. Let’s see what happens.

When we got to the part of the story where kids on the bus are mispronouncing and joking about Unhei’s name, D said “that’s not nice.” And on the next page, when Unhei tells the class she hasn’t decided on her American name yet, D slapped his forehead in frustration.

He definitely understood the overall concept of microaggression.  He seemed relieved when one of Unhei’s classmates took extra time to learn the right way to say her name.

4. Teach kids that the impact of their words and actions matters more than their intentions

One of the reasons that microaggressions are so hurtful is that often, when the person who received it says they are hurt or offended, the perpetrator gets defensive or says “you’re too sensitive.”

Adults can show kids by our example that if someone says we’ve hurt them, we need to believe them instead of trying to change their minds.

Educator Kelly Elson shares a helpful story of how to respond when a child unintentionally hurts another child through a microaggression.

Her young students had been gathering different birthday songs from their own cultures. When Tian brought a song that was in Mandarin, his classmate Miguel said “that’s funny” after Elson played the song. Tian immendiately frowned, and Elson asked how he was feeling.

Tian replied that it was not funny. Elson guided conversation about how they could talk about the songs they were hearing in a way that would make everyone in the class feel good.

Miguel was not trying to hurt Tian’s feelings, but he did. After a discussion with lots of participation, the children listened to Tian’s birthday song again attentively. Tian’s body language changed, indicating he felt respected.

Related Post: Teaching about Native Americans in Preschool & Kindergarten: Do’s & Don’ts

5. Role play how to respond to microaggressions

As you talk about identity with children, they may share with you times that someone said something to them that was a microaggression. Perhaps “you run fast for a girl,”  or to a multiracial child, “what are you?”

Talk with your child about how the comment made them feel, and what they think the person meant. Role play some different ways they could respond next time, if they weren’t happy with the response they made this time. Ask who they could go to for support if they need it.

It’s also important to practice what kids can say as a bystander if they see a microaggression happening. Even teaching kids to say something like “that’s not nice. It’s not ok to make fun of somebody for being who they are” is a good first step.

And, it helps kids to hear grownups admit and apologize for their own microaggressions. If you’ve made a mistake recently, don’t be afraid to tell your child what you learned.

Related Post: 7 Ways to Raise Race Conscious Kids

6. Support children who want to challenge microaggressions at school

Especially as older elementary children put a framework around microaggressions, they may want to challenge them within their school or other settings. For example, children may want their school to stop using a stereotypical Native American mascot, or they may want to challenge gender biased dress codes.

As parents and educators, we can support them in making an action plan. Let kids take the lead, but help them think through issues like:

• What are the arguments I want to make about why this should change?
• What facts do I have or what research do I need to do to back up my arguments?
• Who are some other students or adults who probably agree with me about this?
• What’s the best first step? A petition?  Writing a letter to the principal or asking to meet with them? Something else?
• What can I do if my first step doesn’t get the issue resolved? How can I get more support for my cause?