Talking about race – or even just thinking  of talking about race – brings anxiety for most folks. When you add in talking to kids, parents and educators’ worries and questions can quickly multiply. What if we say the wrong thing? How will we know if we’ve said enough, or said too much?

Too often, our anxiety keeps us quiet when children need our guidance in understanding race and racism. For other adults, the desire to prepare kids for the realities of racism can lead to placing our own anxiety on kids.

The good news is that there’s a growing body of resources to help people move through their emotional challenges related to race, so that we can stand up against racism.

Here are 9 ways that caregivers and educators can work through our anxiety, so that we can effectively talk to kids about race.

9 ways to let go of anxiety about talking to kids about race

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1. If you’ve never had a conversation with kids about race before, start before you feel ready

This tip is primarily directed to my fellow white readers. Many of us were raised to believe that talking about race was impolite, or perhaps even that it was racist. But we can’t teach kids to fight racism if we encourage them to ignore race and how it shapes people’s lives.

In many areas of my life, I find that taking the first step is the hardest. So, go on and start the conversation now, even if you feel unprepared. You don’t need to be an expert on race to start a dialogue with kids.

Here are some suggestions for a first conversation:

Read and talk about one of these excellent children’s books that addresses race and racism.

With young children, remark on the many different shades of skin that people have, including those in your family.

When you watch television, make comments about the racial representation – or lack thereof – on a show.

I offer lots of ways to implement these ideas and more in my book Raising Antiracist Kids: An age by age guide for parents of white children.

2. Address the ways that racial stress has shaped you

The American Pyschological Association’s RESilience initiative has many helpful ideas for parents of color on how to care for themselves in the face of racial stress, so that they can support their children.

Especially when a child has had an upsetting conversation about race, RESilience encourages parents of color to pay attention to how their own experiences could be shaping their responses.

Their suggestions for self-care include limiting media intake, incorporating cultural traditions at home, mindfulness techniques, and more.

I’m learning from many wise thinkers how racism affects the bodies, hearts, and minds not only of people of color, but of white people as well. Trauma therapist Resmaa Menakem insists that we cannot think our way out of racism alone, but we must address the body too.

Right now, I’m working my way through his excellent book My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies. It offers many exercises and practices for Black and white people, as well as police officers, to heal the trauma that racism has caused in our bodies.

Related Post: Talking to kids about microaggressions

3. Use mindfulness and yoga to address the anxiety in your body

There are many different ways we can use mindfulness practices to reduce our anxiety in talking about race. Having ongoing practices of deep breathing, meditation, and yoga can help us prepare for stressful conversations.

When I was reading Layla Saad’s Me and White Supremacy book, doing yoga after I finished each day’s questions helped me process my pain and anxiety over my relationship to racism. I sensed that if I couldn’t process that pain, I was going to quit doing the work.

Breathing can also help us in the moment when a child asks an uncomfortable question or tells us about an upsetting racist remark or incident. Taking a few slow breaths before I respond, while reminding myself “this isn’t an emergency,” helps me listen and respond instead of panic.

Related Post:  5 myths about race and kids that white parents must let go of

4. Get support from other parents and educators

Finding other caregivers and teachers who are committed to antiracism work with kids has been an enormous support to me. Not only have I learned important techniques for conversation and action, I also feel less alone and more hopeful about what is possible.

Here are a few places to look for support and resources:

Raising antiracist white kids caregiver reflection circle (I lead this interactive 5 week experience)

The Conscious Kid (offers conversation tips, book recommendations, and more for kids of all races)

EmbraceRace (offers free webinars and articles on a wide variety of different race and kids related topics)

Parenting for Liberation (podcast for Black parents, plus in person events in the Los Angeles area)

U Power Change (blog, podcast, and workshops for white parents in multiracial and multifaith families)

5. Realize that kids aren’t nearly as anxious about this as adults are

In her book Raising White Kids, Jennifer Harvey frequently cautions that while we need to talk to kids about race, we should try not to bring “adult anxiety” into our conversations.

While adult pulses usually quicken when racism comes up in conversation, that’s often not the case for children. Even young kids notice differences in skin tone and race. They’re watching how race plays out in the world around them, which can be both obvious and confusing at the same time.

That means kids are often curious about race, and would welcome more conversation about it from the adults they trust.

I’ve found that with practice and time, I welcome these conversations with my child rather than feeling anxious about them. His observations often help me to see things in a new way.

Related Post: 15 books to help kids and teens understand that Black Lives Matter

6.  With kids of color, prepare them for racism without over-emphasizing it

Parents raising kids of color have always had to prepare their kids for the reality of racism by instilling racial pride and self-esteem, while also cautioning kids that racism exists.

It can often be hard to know how much to talk about racism. Psychologist April Harris-Britt studies families of color. Her recommendation is that parents of color should talk to their kids about racial discrimination, so that they’re prepared. But, she cautions, those conversations should happen “occasionally,” not “often.”

Her research also finds that teaching kids of color to be proud of their history was powerful in boosting kids’ confidence.

Related Post: Children’s  books and resources for learning Black history all year round

7. Stretch yourself without trying to do everything at once

I often tell people that I’m a recovering perfectionist. When I try new things, I often dive in head first, only to realize in a few weeks that I’m trying to do too much too fast.

A wise friend taught me something helpful she’s learned recently. When it comes to challenging injustice of any kind, we have to leave our comfort zones so that we can enter the zone of growth.

However, we can only grow so much at one time. If we try to do too much, too fast, we leave the growth zone and enter the zone of panic. Panic sends us right back to the comfort zone, and our growth ends.

In practical terms, I think about how I can have conversations and take action in ways that feel uncomfortable. But if something terrifies me, that is a sign I’m not yet ready to take it on.

8. Continually learn more about race and racism, so that you’re prepared to teach the kids in your life

We cannot guide children towards antiracism if we’re not doing the work as adults. I’m continually surprised by the opportunities I have to share what I’m learning with kids – even when I hadn’t planned to.

Here are a few of the resources that are helping me learn and grow on my antiracist journey, in addition to others already mentioned in this post.

Brownicity membership community: This online learning community, led by Dr. Lucretia Berry, offers courses on understanding race and racism, a course on raising antiracist white kids (which I co-led), understanding race and trauma, and more. New offerings are being continually added.

We Live for the We: The Political Power of Black Motherhood by Dani McClain

White Fragility: Why It’s So Hard for White People to Talk about Racism by Robin DiAngelo

How To Be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi

Everything You Wanted to Know About Indians But Were Afraid to Ask by Anton Treuer

Why Are All the Black Kids Sitting Together in the Cafeteria? by Beverly Daniel Tatum

9. Remember that there’s no “end all, be all” conversation with kids about race

These are conversations that we need to have on an ongoing basis. The good news about this is that if we didn’t say enough, or if we make a mistake, we can always circle back to the conversation.

Which brings me back to the first suggestion in this post. If you haven’t started talking with kids about race yet, then start now. You don’t have to have all the answers to their potential questions. You don’t have to do it perfectly.

Start the conversation, and then keep it going.