Rebekah Gienapp

During a recent podcast interview, I told a story when my white son was four years old. We were driving home from school, when he saw a Black man getting into his pickup truck in a restaurant parking lot. “I wonder if that guy stole that truck,” my kid told me, as calmly as if he’d just said “the sky is blue today.”

The podcast host wondered with me where my young child would have picked up the racist stereotype of Black men as criminals.

When my son made his remark, I was horrified. I immediately started wondering where I’d done wrong to make him think something like that.

In the three years that have passed since that incident, I’ve thought of many different ways he could have learned that stereotype.

Adults might wonder, how can young kids learn racist ideas, unless someone is explicitly teaching them to think these things?

After all, the popular saying goes, “no one is born a racist.”

Adults assume that children are sponges who just absorb what we say.

We forget how observant, complex, and even sophisticated kids can be. (Yes, even if your child laugh at her own farts, she can still be a sophisticated thinker.)

Kids aren’t just listening to what we say. They’re watching what we do. They’re noticing when we stay silent instead of speaking.

Kids are studying how this whole “society” thing works. Who are the winners? Who are the losers? What do they need to do or say to fit in with the adults and kids around them?

It’s uncomfortable to admit it, but children are being exposed to racist ideas all the time. Many of these moments are subtle, while others are overt.

White kids are also observing the many ways that being white benefits them (even if they can’t put it into words yet.)

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5 ways white children learn racist ideas

1. From parents’ actions that contradict our words

I’ve written previously about how I unintentionally passed on racist ideas to my son by freaking out about crime in the grocery store parking lot.

Today, I have no doubt that my body language and my anxiety were sending him powerful messages about white people being unsafe in majority Black settings.

That realization forced me to do more inner work on the racism that still lives inside me. It’s also made me think more about what messages I’m sending my child by the way I behave.

As this study reminds us, white children absorb the racial biases parents hold, even if we don’t explicitly state them.

Those subtle biases make it more likely that our children will be prejudiced themselves.

Sometimes, it’s our inaction that reinforces racism. Our children overhear our uneasy laughter in the face of a racist joke. They learn that it’s okay to give other white people a pass on racist remarks, especially if there aren’t any people of color around.

When we realize that our actions haven’t lived up to our ideals, the solution is not to wallow in guilt. It’s to consider how we can change. No matter how far along we are on the journey of antiracism, we will still make mistakes sometimes.

Related post: How kids think about race: what research says

2. From peers who pass along racist ideas

In her book White Kids, sociologist Margaret Hagerman shares story after story of wealthy white middle schoolers talking about race when parents are out of earshot.

While talking about basketball players, one 12-year-old insisted to his friend that Black players must have an extra muscle in their legs. He was sure this must be this case, because he saw how many star basketball players were Black.

Shouldn’t kids understand by age 12 that race doesn’t affect how our bodies work?

It’s a myth that many white kids and adults alike believe. (Just consider this study on what medical students assumed about differences between white and Black patients’ bodies.)

Because these myths are so powerful, I’ve included a conversation about race and biology in my free guide: What’s wrong with saying ‘we’re all equal? 5 important conversations white kids need to have about race. Use the form below to get your free copy inside my Resource Library.

It’s not just older kids who can pass along racist ideas to their peers.

In their year-long study of a multiracial preschool, Debra Van Ausdale and Joe R. Feagin spent many hours observing children. They documented incidents including a white 4 year old telling an Asian 3 year old that she couldn’t pull a wagon because “only white Americans can pull this wagon.”

In another incident, a young Latino boy pushed an Asian child to the floor and knocked over his Lego tower. He turned to a white girl who was watching and said “I don’t like him. He looks funny. But I like you.”

[bctt tweet=”Most white parents assume that if we’re not racist, our children won’t be either. The truth is more complex. Kids are exposed to racist ideas in so many ways.” username=”rebekahg_bfb”]

Related Post: What to do about classic children’s books that are racist

3. From experiencing segregation in schools and neighborhoods

This year, our younger son started attending a majority Black public school after having gone to a majority white private school for 4 years.

While he was attending his old school, we talked often about race and racism. We read all kinds of books starring Black characters, from books about dragons to stories from the civil rights movement.

But the experience of attending a white school and living in a majority white neighborhood (in the middle of a majority Black city) still powerfully shaped him.

As I share in Raising Antiracist Kids, our child was anxious about starting at his new school.

At the start of the year, he had lots of worries about whether he could make friends at his new school, since most of his classmates would be Black. When a Black child did something on the first day of school he didn’t like, he confided in me that he worried his other Black classmates would probably do the similar things.

He had a lot of unlearning to do!

The truth is, both my kiddo and I still have a long way to go in unlearning racism. But I’ve seen how just a few months of attending an integrated school has done so much to challenge the racist stereotypes he’d formed.

Related post: 5 myths about race and kids that white parents must let go of

Another way that white children learn racist ideas from segregated schools stems from academic tracking programs.

Tracking is used by most public schools to separate children into groups according to their perceived academic ability. Students are then assigned to classes with other students who’ve been labelled at the same ability level.

Research has shown tracking programs to be racially biased, yet they’re a part of most middle and high school students’ lives. (See research in Jennie Oakes’ book Keeping Track: How Schools Structure Inequality.)

White children can look around and see that white and Asian children are more likely to be in advanced classes, and that Black, Latinx, and Native American children are more likely to be in standard classes. Subtle ideas they’ve already been absorbing about white people as superior are confirmed by what they see at school.

In my book, I share strategies for how parents can help their children question racist ideas that come from tracking.

4. From volunteer projects that are rooted in white saviorism

Helping our children become active and generous members of our communities is a good thing.

Service projects and donation drives that are guided by white savior narratives are not a good thing.

What do I mean by white saviorism? White savior ideas assume that Black people and people of color need white people to rescue them from the situations they live in.

White saviorism ignores how systems of oppression have created problems like poverty, a lack of health care, and underfunded schools.

It ignores what people who are most affected by these problems are saying about what solutions are needed.

It assumes that because white people want to help, they’re automatically doing good. This is so dangerous.

When we encourage our white children to volunteer, we need to talk about the underlying justice issues that force people to seek help in the first place.

We need to avoid narratives that paint our kids as heroes. Instead we can talk about what it means to be part of a community, and to both give and receive help.

We can shine a light on the many ways that people of color and poor people are taking the lead in solving the social problems that affect them.

Related post: Do’s and Don’ts for Community Service Projects with Kids

5. From media sources that stereotype and erase people of color

Thanks to persistent campaigning by leaders of color who are children’s book authors, teachers, and media creators, children’s books and programming are becoming more racially diverse.

But there’s still a long, long way to go.

We love watching Molly of Denali, which stars an adventurous Alaska Native girl who’s  funny, resourceful, and bright. But most children’s television shows still relegate kids of color to sidekick roles.

Children’s book author Tameka Fryer Brown says that in the children’s book world, “the proportion of children’s books featuring characters full of Black Joy (versus those whose main characters are primarily struggling against and overcoming racial oppression) needs to drastically increase.”

When white children see themselves as the star of most books, television shows, and movies, they begin to see white as standard or normal.

They learn to expect that the world can and should reflect their experiences, needs, and ideas, but that children of color shouldn’t expect this.

Related Post: 17 Engaging Picture Books Starring Latinx Characters

Finally, we have to consider how often white children are exposed to other forms of media. From seeing snippets of the news to watching commercials designed for grownups, kids see so many racist stereotypes.

Remember the story I told at the beginning of this blog post about my 4 year old thinking a Black man had stolen his own truck?

I suspect that one of the things that helped form that stereotype inside him was seeing the local news from time to time. Crime reports always lead in our tv news, and local channels love to post mug shots of Black men.

Seeing those pictures, even briefly, has impacted my white child.

Helping our white children unlearn racist ideas

Even white children growing up in progressive families are exposed to racist ideas in so many subtle and overt ways.

Sometimes that exposure comes from us.

If we want our children to be able to stand up against racism, we can’t wait until they’re adults to talk to them about it. We can’t even wait until they’re teens.

Fellow white parents, we have to do the work that is our responsibility.

If you’re not talking about race with your kids yet,

Talking about race isn’t a substitute for taking action against racism. But it is a necessary first step. Let’s take that step together.