For many white parents, figuring out how to talk to kids about race is an anxious process. What should we say? What shouldn’t we say? How old should kids be before we start the conversation? How should talk about race change as kids grow older?
Some well-intentioned white parents fear that if they talk to kids about race, and especially if they point out racism, it will make kids more likely to reflect society’s racism.
But a lot of research shows that kids are already noticing race from very young ages and trying to make sense of the subtle cues they pick up from adults. If we don’t talk openly with them about race and the impact of racism, they’ll often make the wrong assumptions about what they’re observing.
In this post, I share tips and strategies for talking to white children about race and racism at different ages and stages.
Want to get even more support as you talk to kids about race? Check out my book, Raising Antiracist Kids: An age-by-age guide for parents of white children.
You might also be interested in my online course, Nurturing Antiracist White Kids.
If you’re a white parent raising children of color, I highly recommend resources from EmbraceRace. You can find their guide on raising multiracial children here, and resources for transracial adoptive families here.
Help other white parents have conversations with their kids about race by sharing this post!
Disclosure: For your convenience, this post includes affiliate links. If you purchase items through these links, I may earn a small commission at no additional cost to you. You can read my full disclosure policy here.
How to talk to kids about race during the toddler years
When children are toddlers, parents’ actions and the environment little ones spend time in are even more important than what we say to them about race.
1. Make sure there are lots of racially diverse books and toys in your child’s environment.
Having only a few books that star people of color, or only a couple of toys, encourages white kids to think of white as the standard, or as normal.
If parents want to have lots of opportunities to talk about race and skin tone with toddlers, they need a lot of different stories to spark those conversations. After all, we don’t want to communicate to toddlers that there’s only one way to be Black, or one way to be Native American.
You can find a variety of multicultural toys and games in this post.
2. Look for how whiteness is repeated in your home and childcare setting
Early childhood educator Aundrea Tabbs-Smith points out that for young children, whiteness is usually what’s repeated in their childcare environment. From who the caregivers and other children are to the art, books, music, digital content, and cultural references, whiteness is usually seen over and over again.
This matters because young children learn from repetition. In this early setting, both white kids and kids of color see few representations of people of color having everyday experiences.
This pattern of repetition is also seen in white families’ homes. How can you change the representations your toddler sees, not just in their bedroom and playroom, but all over your home?
3. Find authentic ways to diversify your social circle
Research has shown that at six months old, babies already notice racial differences. They gaze at pictures of adults longer who are not their same race. Researchers think this is because those faces tended to be out of the ordinary for the babies, and they were trying to make sense of them.
Remember how I said our actions are more important than our words? Having friends of color ourselves is a powerful thing for young children to experience.
But let me be clear: adults have to look for authentic ways to form these friendships. This is NOT about befriending someone only because they are Latine, Asian, or Black. People of color don’t exist to be white people’s token friends.
Instead we can look for more racially diverse places to enjoy our hobbies, join clubs, send our children to childcare, or even to worship. This provides places to make those cross-racial friendships with people we find genuine connection with.
How to talk about race with 3 to 5 year-olds
The preschool years are a time to continue looking at the examples we set as adults, while we talk to kids about race more directly.
1. Talk positively about different shades of skin, hair types, and other characteristics used to mark race.
Race is make-believe (more on that later in this post), but we’ve been taught to use skin tones, hair textures, eye shape, and more to classify people into racial groups.
Many white parents only bring up race when they’re forced to by an instance of racism.
It’s crucial that we talk positively about all the the differences in physical characteristics in contexts that aren’t about racism. And we need to talk about different shades of white people’s skin too.
All skin tones are actually shades of brown (even pale peach skin like mine.) You can explore this idea with skin tone paintings. Brownicity Kids has a great painting activity for this in their BKids course.
As you talk about yourself, family, friends, and characters in books and shows, you can also practice using different words for skin tone. (See this list from Brownicity – scroll to the bottom of the page.)
Read a variety of books that shatter stereotypes about who is beautiful. See this list for ideas.
I discourage you from using food-related words for people of color when you talk to kids about skin tone. White folks have often fetishized the skin of Black folks and other people of color, and food words can contribute to this.
Related Post: A kid-friendly glossary of race and racism
2. Explain how melanin gives us our different skin tones.
Children are very curious about their differences, and in the preschool years they often wonder if they can change their skin color.
Use a book like All the Colors We Are/Todos los colores de nuestro piel to introduce the topic of melanin.
3. Talk to kids about race being make-believe – but still important
My favorite book for talking to young children about race is Our Skin: A First Conversation about Race. The story quickly explains how long ago, a group of white people made up the idea of race, and declared themselves better than others.
The authors point out that this untrue story is what’s called racism, and then they give examples.
It’s so important that children know that the outward differences we see do not mean our brains or bodies work differently.
At the same time, we don’t want to tell kids that race “doesn’t matter” because racism has real effects on all of us.
4. As you talk to kids about race, acknowledge that it’s confusing!
As we talk to white kids about race, and use the words that society uses for race, they may be confused. They can see that Black people are many different shades of brown, not the color of black construction paper. And White people are a very light brown, not the color of white copier paper.
We can acknowledge that confusion, and explain that our skin tone words are a lot more complex and subtle that the racial labels society uses. Point out that we can’t necessarily tell how someone identifies racially just by looking at them.
5. Set firm boundaries about racial teasing or exclusion without shaming kids
Let young children know that it’s never okay to leave someone out or tease them about the things that make them who they are: skin color, where their parents are from, what languages they speak, their hair texture, whether they’re disabled or not, etc.
You can find guidance on how to respond to children’s racial bias in my free guide “No More Silence, No More Shame.” Just fill out the quick form below to get your copy inside my free Resource Library.
Related Post: How parents & educators can model apologizing for racial mistakes to kids
How to talk to kids about race from ages 6 to 12
1. Explore many different aspects of identity
When white parents do talk to kids about race, we tend to only talk about the experiences of people of color. But being white is also a racial experience. White children need our help thinking about different (i.e. better) ways to be a white person living in a racist society.
Our course, race isn’t the only form of identity to explore with kids. How does your child’s gender, social class, disability or non-disability, religion, and more affect their experiences? This post for teachers can give you some ideas of how to explore identity.
2. Take a critical look at how your child is learning about history and heroes
Whether children are learning about U.S. and world history at school or through movies, TV shows, YouTube, or books, there’s a good chance this history is told from a Eurocentric perspective.
In my parenting workshops, I often encourage parents to make history’s “heroes” more complicated. When kids are learning about founding fathers like Thomas Jefferson and George Washington, they need to know that these same leaders enslaved people and forced indigenous peoples’ to abandon their homelands.
Be on the lookout for school assignments that distort or omit important events in history, like the story of the so-called first Thanksgiving. Talk to your child’s teacher about your concerns, and offer to help find alternative learning resources.
3. Define racism as more than just meanness
I’m all for teaching kids about kindness and compassion. But it’s important for them to understand that racism is more than being mean.
Related Post: 15 children’s books about white privilege and white supremacy
As parents talk to kids about race, we need to explain that racism is prejudice based on what a person believes about someone’s racial group. But racism doesn’t stop there. It’s also how institutions, like schools, corporations, the police, and governments misuse their power.
Try talking about some of these examples of systemic racism to start expanding children’s ideas about what racism looks like.
4. Talk about resistance to racism by people of color, and white allies who supported them
It’s all too easy for white parents to describe racism in ways that make white kids pity people of color. (I know because I used to do that!)
So whenever we talk about racism in the present day or from the past, it’s crucial that we talk about the many ways people of color have stood up against racism.
You can find children’s books about antiracist and social justice activists here and here.
We all need to show white kids that being white does not have to equal staying silent in the face of racism. Look for white allies’ stories like these that you can share with your children.
Related post: Resource hub on talking to kids about police violence and race
5. Invite them to use their imaginations to dream of a better world
Elementary-age children have wonderful imaginations. All of us, kids and adults alike, need a vision to sustain us over the long haul as we become antiracist.
In my “what can I do about racism?” workshop for elementary kids, one of the activities we do together is telling a story about what the world would be like if racism ended.
Invite children to imagine with you in their favorite ways, whether that’s talking, writing, or making art.
How to talk to teens about race
1. Talk about racial identity development
Whether your teen has been enthusiastically antiracist for years, or is new to thinking critically about race, looking at white racial identity development together can help.
This theory was developed by Dr. Janet Helms and others, and explains the typical stages that white people go through as they construct a white identity that is not about being racist. It’s one of the key ideas that students work through in my Nurturing Antiracist White Kids course.
Whether teens are feeling guilt about white privilege or frustration with people of color for pointing out racism, this framework can help them see the bigger picture of what is happening with their thoughts and feelings.
2. Make room for feelings while you explore hard history
I often remind folks who learn with me that becoming antiracist isn’t just about changing our thoughts. It’s about changing the ways racism lives inside us, and that involves a lot of feelings.
That doesn’t necessarily mean that teens will want to talk to their parents about what they’re feeling. Being vulnerable about your own complicated feelings may help.
Another option is to connect your teen with another adult who’s committed to antiracism.
This Book Is Anti-Racist Journal is another tool for youth who like to write and draw to explore feelings about race.
3. Address microaggressions
Many teens love to tease each other. Unfortunately, sometimes this can lead to them committing microaggressions without realizing what they’ve done.
This post on talking about microaggressions focuses mainly on elementary age children, but can still give you some ideas to work with.
4. Practice calling in versus calling out when someone says something racist
When white folks, including teens, are new to antiracism, one of the temptations is to vigorously, publicly call out every single racist thing we hear. But that doesn’t usually lead to lasting change, and it can also distract us from the work we need to do on ourselves.
This article, which is excerpted from Tiffany Jewell’s book for tweens and teens, gives helpful guidance on when to call someone out or call them in because of racist behavior.
5. Look for examples of youth antiracist activism to share with your teen
Young people are hungry to learn about antiracist leaders who are youth like them. Be on the lookout for stories online or from people you know. You can find my profiles of young social justice leaders, as well as resources for young activists, here.
Remind your child that antiracist action can look many different ways, and fit the unique talents that your teen has.
6 Mistakes to Avoid When You Talk to Kids about Race
As we talk to kids about race, there are some common mistakes parents need to avoid. If you realize you’ve made one or more of these mistakes, stay calm. As a white parent myself, I’ve made several of them myself. There’s always time to do better, now that we know better.
1. Saying nothing because you’re so afraid you’ll say the wrong thing
Some adults know that they probably should talk to children about race, but they keep delaying the first conversation.
In Facebook discussion groups, I often see parents who sense they should talk about race, but keep putting it off. Sometimes this shows up as a parent asking more and more questions about the exact language they should use when bringing up a particular race-related subject to their child. If they can’t figure out that perfect language, they keep putting off the conversation.
Here’s the truth: it’s pretty likely that we’re going to get it wrong (in big or small ways) some of the time that we talk to kids about race.
But you know what? That gives us a chance to go back to kids about talk about the mistakes we’ve made, and what we’ve learned. And that honesty and willingness to face our mistakes is sometimes the best lesson we can teach them.
Related Post: When I use the word racism, this is what I mean
Why? Because it shows kids that one important way to be antiracist is to be able to admit our mistakes, instead of digging in deeper to defend our actions.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s a good idea to do a bit of thinking or research before you dive into a race-related topic, if you’re able to. But don’t let a teachable moment in the car or on the playground pass by because you’re not sure if you have a perfectly crafted statement to make. Parents of color often have to figure out how to talk about these topics at the spur of the moment because their children have experienced racism.
And if you later realize there was something different that you should have said, ask your kids for a do-over. Just saying “you remember last week when we were talking about ____? I realized there’s something else I should have explained. Can I share that with you now?”
Related Post: When I realized white fragility was impacting my parenting
2. Thinking that a single conversation about race will be enough
When I was growing up, I hardly ever remember my parents talking to us about anything related to sex. I think that was true for most of my friends’ families as well. But I do remember, with great embarrassment, my mom sitting me down to have “the talk.”
Why was I so uncomfortable? Because she was talking to me about something that didn’t seem like we should be talking about. After all, if it was ok to talk about it, wouldn’t we have already been talking about it on a regular basis? (I’m not trying to slam my parents; they were doing the best they knew how to at the time. I don’t even know if they got a version of “the talk” from their own parents.)
I think it’s similar with race. We need to talk often to children about race to make it clear that race is nothing to be ashamed of.
And we need to talk often because kids can’t unpack mess that society has made of race and racism all at once. At different ages and stages, they are ready for different conversations.
The good news? The more race related conversations you have with kids, the more natural it will become for both you and your children.
With my 7 year old, I often see that he doesn’t fully grasp a particular concept about race til we’ve talked about it at least a couple of times. But I can see how he’s been processing things and making his own observations in between our conversations.
If you’re not sure how these conversations can come about naturally with young kids, the blog posts in Raising Race Conscious Children provide excellent examples.
3. Avoiding talking about whiteness
It’s way too common for white people to talk about race as if it’s only something that people of color have, and not white people too.
But race is a social structure that was created by white people, and racism is a system that was created and is maintained by white people for our benefit.
In seminary, one of our assigned readings was the book Learning to Be White. I’ll never forget the author Thandeka, a Black Unitarian theologian, writing about a class where she asked students to introduce themselves, including their race. One white student replied, “well I don’t really think of myself as white. I’m just normal.”
When we only talk about race in terms of people of color, white kids get the idea that they are normal, and that Black, Latinx, Asian, and Native American children are others.
Avoiding talking about whiteness also keeps us from having important conversations with children about white privilege. (And yes, that is something that you can talk to children about. My 7 year old doesn’t necessarily know the term white privilege, but we do talk regularly about advantages we have as white people, and how those advantages are unfair. Sometimes he even brings them up himself.)
4. Only talking about race in terms of Black and white
Growing up in a majority Black Southern city in the 1980’s, I was very aware of race. But I almost never thought about race in terms of people who were neither Black or white.
Even though I’ve learned a lot since that time, I find the way I grew up still influences what I tend to notice and talk about with my kids. I have to make a more conscious effort to talk about the histories, cultures, contributions, challenges, and injustices faced by American Indians, Asian Americans, Latinx, and multiracial folks.
When we talk about the impact of racism, it’s important that kids know it’s a reality not only for Black people, but also for other people of color.
Related Post: 15 children’s books for Asian American and Pacific Islander Heritage Month
Related Post: 17 #ownvoices children’s books about Native Americans and First Nations Canadians
5. Making vague statements like “we’re all equal”
I believe that statements like “we’re all equal” or “we’re all the same inside” come from a well-intentioned place. But they’re not that helpful when it comes to challenging the racism our kids are exposed to all the time.
Jennifer Harvey does a great job unpacking why in her book Raising White Kids: Bringing Up Children In a Racially Unjust America. For young kids, these sayings are too vague. Children often don’t even realize we’re speaking of race when we say things like “we should treat everyone the same.”
And, if we repeat these vague messages, we can unintentionally teach kids that race makes no difference to our experience. If they believe race doesn’t shape our experiences, white kids will likely question people of color when they share their experiences of racism. Kids of color may not be able to trust their own judgment about when they’re experiencing discrimination.
Related post: How should we talk with children about slavery?
6. Thinking that talking about race (alone) is enough
It’s so important that we talk to kids about race. But talking, by itself, doesn’t fully equip our kids to stand up against racism.
One of the reasons it’s unsettling to have these conversations is that kids will notice where our actions don’t yet match up to our values. They’ll ask us uncomfortable questions.
I’ve come to see these uncomfortable questions as a blessing. They’re leading me to go deeper, to think about things like where my 7 year old attends school. He’s attending a new school next year, mainly because all of the talking we were doing made me realize I want him to go to a school that is majority students of color.
Knowing that he is watching me, I’m very slowly shifting more of my time into concrete activism, from making phone calls to elected officials to raising funds for grassroots social justice groups. I have so much more work to do on myself, but accountability with my child has me at least pointed in the right direction.
As parents, we can also show our kids what they can do about the racism they see. For example, 9 year old Pearl noticed that the city mural at her local pool only had white people in it. She wrote to the Parks department about what she saw, and the mural was eventually changed.
2 responses to “How to talk to kids about race: a guide for white parents”
Thanks for this long and thoughtful list of suggestions — I particularly appreciate the embedded links for more research and reading!
In #4 at the top, did you mean “black construction paper” instead of “black construction people”?
Yes, thanks for catching that error! It’s fixed now.